I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
