As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
