the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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