i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
