So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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