So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
