He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
