pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
