i jhust puked up my retainher.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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