I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
