i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
