And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
