Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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