I'm so fucking centered right now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
