and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
