they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
