R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
