help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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