I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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