So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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