I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
