Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
