I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
