Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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