He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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