Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
