did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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