Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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