My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
