So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
