I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
