Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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