i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
