ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
