I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
