I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
dude i'm inner monologue high
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
