I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
