I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
