google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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