I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
