im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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