Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
