so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
