guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
