I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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