How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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