I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
