Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
