Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
