i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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