i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
