So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
