One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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