it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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