His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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