i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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