drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
